1-7-17

7 Jan

I walk the cliffs edge daily. Meds have made me take 2 steps away from the edge just far enough to have abetter grip on the earth beneath my feet yet I have seem to be drifting closer lately.

The fall into the darkness and whatever else is awaiting below is inevitably conscience in my mind as well as the temptation.  

I used to love the winter but now not so much. It only brings the depression to the for front and life sucks more.

#depression

1-1-17

1 Jan

In a world of chaos and uncertainty there is a moment we all find were life stops and becomes enjoyable and free. .

Still waiting for my moment…..

Sleepless nights

23 Dec

As I lay in bed and close my eyes to finally ckose the day and leave the world behind a new world and a new day starts in my head. When I close my eyes it becomes dark but then I can watch the darkness from beyond start rolling in like a storm on a sunny day.

I feel like the wheel of a rollercoaster cart on a never ending track. My mind wonders and I’m thrown into situations I have no control over unless my mind desides that it wants me to be involved.

Last night was no exception. This morning when the alarm went off to get up and go to work, I felt like I got hit by a convoy of loaded dump trucks. No amount of stimulants are going to help me get through the day.  

I have become afraid to sleep because I dont know whats going to happen or how its going to play out. I wish my mind was removable so it could do its own thing while my body rests up for the next day.

# sleeplessness sucks

5-6-16

6 May

Woke up earlier than usual today, tossed and turned for about half an hour before getting out of bed. Had this weird feeling growing inside. I recognize it from awhile back but couldn’t place this particular feeling. 
I fed the puppy and cleaned up the landmine she left, still house breaking,.
As I started getting ready for work that feeling is getting stronger and heavier.
My chest feels like its caving in, restricting my breathing, my brain is telling me to skip today and just go away, I wanna cry and smash something till it ends.
I don’t want to talk to anyone,  see anyone, or do anything.  I just want to be alone all together.  It feels like my emotions, feelings and mind are playing war with each other and there are no rules and nothing is off limits. My stomach is a bubbling mess of gastric juices eating butterflies and making waves. My yhrought feels as dry as the desert, my eyes are playing, do you see what I see with halograms, nerves are playing can you feel me now , veins are playing hide and go seek with blood and my muscles are flexing like they are trying to impress a girl at the gym. This really sucks.
This feeling is a black hole to which nothing escape, everything gets esquewed and inevitable sucked in.

I now know what this feeling is and where I have felt it before. I don’t want to go back there. I don’t want to go down memory lane with it and I certainly don’t want it to take over again. Nothing good ever came out of letting it..EVER!

I don’t know what to do at the moment….

Skeletons In My Closet

19 Jun

So true.

yadadarcyyada

1funny586Woah-oh, woah-oh
Skeletons in my closet
Woah-oh, woah-oh yeah
Skeletons in my closet
Skeletons in my closet,
Skeletons in my shoes,
Skeletons I can only see,
Skeletons I can lose….
Skeletons in my basement, loitering on my streets, wearing my best pyjamas, sandwiched between my sheets….Donna? We want you! Donna, Donna! D-Donna, D-Donna, D-Donna, D-Donna?
~To paraphrase Alice Cooper (doubt he’d mind, he’s probably golfing).

The best thing about humans, we’re complex.
The worst thing about humans, we’re complex.

If we’re honest, we all have some skeletons in our closets.
Maybe not stuff you’d see on The Sopranos, Sons of Anarchy, Game of Thrones and hopefully nothing that would show up in a Stephen King novel. Just things we did that we wish we hadn’t done. Things we wish we hadn’t said. Things we’d like to hide away and forget ever happened.

1funny175
We should show some love for…

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What’s wrong with me.

1 Jun

Last week I took a break from work to relieve some stress and anxiety over things at work and yet I couldn’t relax at all. I had plans to redo a room in the house which involves ripping, smashing, dirt, dust, flying debris and all the joys of it at least for me.

Day 1. The plan was to start on sat but nope, had to still remove half the junk in the room, broke a glass panel on the door doing so, along with other errands so not much was accomplished.

Day 2. Sunday was an unproductive day as well.  Church first, then clean out the last of the stuff and bring tools up and doing other parental responsibilities., who knew kids eat more than once a day,. I also had to pick up my meds only to find out that they haven’t been refilled and the dr hasn’t responded to the pharmacies request. Thankfully they gave me a couple days worth until they get an answer. 

Day 3 of this project has begun. I finally get to the fun stuff I been waiting for (though I wasnt able to start until 11am). I spent the whole day smashing and tearing everything in site. Then cleaning up the mess for the day.
Once that was done, time to make dinner and relax some more. Then when I went to bed and had the night of screwed up dreams, tossing/ turning, more than normal, and freaking myself out. Will it ever end? I don’t normally dream due to having sleep apnea so.. that is weird.

Day 4.  woke up and started the day with school prep for the kiddos, then breakfast and on to more ripping and tearing, pulling nails and cleanup. Heres where I find all the half assed carpentry skills of the time it was built. 2x4s that dint reach the ceiling, holes in the floor that go nowhere,  animal remnants, bug infestations, poor insulation and much more. Wonder why the room was cold all the time! Then more of the dinner time issues and then the nighttime weirdness begins. 

Day 5, started the day per usual, coffee and the school ritual but for some reason I couldn’t shake the sleepiness, dragging serious ass, heads in a fog, can’t focus, or anything. The 4 cups of coffee didn’t work, had to wake up my wife so she could deal with the kiddos. This is when I realized that I didnt take my meds for the last 2 days (not good!!)
I proceeded to sleep the day away. Woke up to at least eat and use the bathroom then back to sleep and the weirdness of dreams. No work on the room was done.

Day 6,  more of the same feelings as yesterday. I couldn’t sleep it away due to finally having the Endocrinologist appt that was made 6 months ago. Barely could get my ass there. Moron drivers, road construction, barely any gasin the car, my anxiety levels, anger, frustration and mood swings are in full mode now. After my appt I figured that on my way home I would look at windows for the room. Arived at the store and realized I didnt have the measurements with me so called the wife, no answer, called the house,  no answer, elevated mood even more. Driving home with hopes of making it to the gas station before the car stalls. More morons at the store. Get home only for the wife to ask to pick her and the kids up.
I wanted the day to end so badly because it was just as bad the rest of the night. Family hated my mood. Again, no work on the room was done.

Day 7, felt better and hopeing to accomplish something. Appts and supply runs for the next phase of the project. No work was done. Dreams seem to be weird and emotionally charged.

Day 8,  Woke up barely able walk due to a sharp pain in my left side hip.  I must have tweaked it the day before bring supplies into the house. Managed to struggle through the day
My emotions still on a roller coaster that doesn’t want to stop. Did get some electrical work prepared and misc projects temporarily fixed. Then I was done for the day.

Day 9, woke with same amount of pain as yesterday,emotions still screwed up but day goes on. Weather has become dreary which is better than the hot and humid days of the week but not by much. My emotions just worsened. Wife and oldest woke up being sick so off to church with the rest of the clan.  I came home snd wanted to nap but to no avail.  Phone was non stop, abundant visitors unannounced and hungry children. Fml!!

Pain and emotional roller coaster are not a good combo for myself or anyone around me.

Day 10, so lets see. So far pain has subsided to managable and while I write this the teenager has awoke with the attitude. Yea me

Shattered

28 Mar

As day breaks, the world around me becomes noisy with the hustle and bustle of life. Work is my distraction from my brain and the terrors that lie within it.
The day goes on leaving the previous nights restlessness as a distant memory in hopes to be forgotten.
Then the inevitable dusk revives the fire of the terror while the darkness feeds the thoughts that lie within.
The life of a child, who is from a poor broken home, filled with anger, hatred, disbelief of good in the world, emotionless towards humanity and disregard for his own well being, grows up not knowing anything except how to survive will realize that no matter how shattered he may be life finds a way to join the pieces once again.